Benjamin F. Bird

* * *Do you like poetry? If you do, then you've come to the right place. If you don't, well, maybe you've still come to the right place!My name is Benjamin F. Bird and I've been writing poetry for fun for my entire life, basically, and I've published two books of poetry: Blast-Off!!! R U A Honey-Cruncher Kid?! And Other Poems and How To Replace a Whammy Gasket on a Yoddle-Klopper And Other Poems. They're for sale on Amazon and on Barnes & Noble.Click here to buy my books on Amazon.Click here to buy my books on Barnes and Noble.If those links don't work, just search for my name, Benjamin F. Bird, or search for Blast-Off!!! R U A Honey-Cruncher Kid?! And Other Poems and How To Replace a Whammy Gasket on a Yoddle-Klopper And Other Poems. Seek and ye shall find.You can also find my books on a few real shelves in a few real bookstores, including Bookman's Entertainment Exchange in Mesa, Arizona, and Cult Fiction Bookshop in Apache Junction, Arizona.I also have a YouTube channel called Ben's Poetry Channel. On that channel I mostly read my poems, but I also sometimes talk about poetry in general, and sometimes I talk about poetry in specific.So if you wanna check that out, you can click here or just search for "Ben's Poetry Channel" on YouTube.* * *SERVICES:I write books you can read and make videos you can watch. That's about it.I also sometimes do poetry readings around the Phoenix, Arizona, area. I love doing live poetry readings. They're so much better than recording myself reading poetry and putting the videos online. I've worked as an English teacher and tutor in the past, but I don't really do that anymore.* * *ABOUT:I'm in my forties. I'm married and I have five children. I went to college for a long time. I used to be Mormon but now I'm Catholic. If you want to read my blog about my faith journey, click here. Hopefully someday I'll finish my memoir about my conversion and then I can try to sell you another book. I've had a lot of different jobs in my life. For thirteen years, I worked in a movie screen factory. Now I work in a kitchen at an old folks home. Arizona is my home.* * *CONTACT:Email me! My email is: telemoonfa at hotmail dot com.The only social media I'm on is X. (I used to be on Facebook but I got kicked off for dropping truth bombs.) My name on X is BenBird53920553. So click here if you want to see my rants and ravings. But honestly sometimes I feel like quitting X because I'm so addicted to it and it's probably bad for my mental health. You can also leave a comment on one of my Youtube videos and I might see that, but sometimes I go long periods of time without getting on any social media, so email is the best way to contact me.* * *SAMPLE POEMS:My Dead AcquaintancesSometimes for no reason I think about
My uncle who died a long time ago.
Like tonight, when I turned all the lights out,
His ghost appeared to me in a window.Or I think of my dead acquaintances,
Like the old people at the old folks home
Where I wash dishes. I see their faces.
I see them breathe. I see them sit alone.Their names wouldn’t mean anything to you
And most of the names I can’t remember,
But one of the guys, I think, was named Lou.
He died last month, in early September.Was his name really Lou? Is that name right?
And why am I thinking of him tonight?* * *Car TroubleWhen I was a kid, driving a car was cool.
Even if the car was a piece of junk,
if the wheels turned, if you drove it to school,
if other kids came up and sat on the trunk,that was cool. You were cool. Cars were so cool.
But now, my car just sucks up money.
Insurance. Registration. Repairs. Fuel.
It’s like a joke that’s not even funny.And what if I get in an accident?
And why is the traffic always so bad?
And what’s that on the bumper? Another dent?
All these automobiles just make me sad.Sometimes I want to live in a mud hut
and learn how to crack open a coconut.* * *Three LimericksWhen I ordered the soup du jour,
They said, “We don’t have anymore.
But the soup du jorrow,
Will be here tomorrow,
But tomorrow we’ll call it du jour.”* * *
My therapist said I was sad.
So sad and so sad and so sad.
So he tripled the price
For his advice
Because I was triply sad.* * *I love having big stacks of money
And I love it when egg yolks are runny.
And I love it when folks
Simply tell a few jokes
Whether it’s rainy or sunny.* * *CoolidgeI drive through Coolidge
on the way to Tucson
but have only stopped there twice,
once to get something at Walmart,
I don’t remember what,
and another time to see the Casa Grande Ruins,
a big adobe house built by the Indians.In Coolidge you’ll see really tall cactus,
probably some men in cowboy hats,
a dollar store, a trailer park,
a bar called the Gallopin’ Goose
and just south on the highway
there’s Stinger Welding,
a big metal building.It might have been gray
and it might have been blue
and it’s got an angry bee on the side
and I drive by all this stuff
a couple of times a year
eating sunflower seeds, feeling sleepy.And this is the way we pass
through most of the towns
on the way to some other place:
knowing no one,
speaking briefly
or not at all
taking with us only a few unclear memories
of ten-thousand clear glances
and perhaps a trinket from some store
but we don’t remember
what it was
or what we did with it
or where it is now.* * *Sweet PotatoesSo I went to Sprouts and got sweet potatoes.
At least, I thought they were sweet potatoes.
The sack said they were sweet potatoes.
There were six of them in that sack
and it said “sweet potatoes,”
and I’m using quotation marks
because I’m actually quoting.When I got home
my wife said
they were yams.I should sue Sprouts.
It’s not right.
It’s not right to tell a man
that those kinda orange kinda brown things
in the sack are sweet potatoes
and to make him believe he’s buying sweet potatoes
when actually he’s got his hands on yams.
Yams yams yams yams yams yams.I feel like Jacob must have felt.
He wants to marry Racheal.
He thinks he’s marrying Racheal.
Laban says, “Don’t worry.
It’s definitely Racheal under that veil.
Have you tried the wine?”
But the next morning
when the sunlight streams into the tent
there was Leah, laying there,
looking like a good-for-nothing sack of yams.Eventually that old man gave Jacob
the right bride plus a bunch of sheep
but what did Sprouts ever give to me?Just a night full of marital problems
and a coupon for twenty-five cents
off my next purchase of yogurt.* * *hey... I remember algebra...I had to do algebra in high school…
Yeah… I did algebra when I was in high school…
Now I’m thirty-seven and I forgot most of that algebra stuff,
except I do remember that in algebra
you substitute letters for numbers.
So 2 + 2 turned into 2 + X
and you had to figure out what X was
but back then I just wanted to figure out what sex was.It’s too bad all the numbers weren’t replaced with letters.
Then the letters could have formed words
and the words could have formed a story
and the story could have been good.
It could have been a story
that made me want to wake up tomorrow.I forgot a lot of English too
but at least I had a good time in there.Algebra sucks.I wonder if my ancestors are ashamed of me.
They probably are.
They were hunters and farmers and city councilmen
and their beards were so much better than mine.
It’s true that my great-grandfather
probably never heard of algebra or prepositions
but who cares?
He had thirty-nine grandchildren
and killed several grizzly bears.And I’m a bum.
I’m a bum.
I never use algebra,
and I turned out to be a bum.I’ve traded my birthright for a mess of pottage
but let me tell you,
this is some pretty good pottage.
Do you want a bite?* * *RhomburifficI hate it when people use the word “rhomburiffic”
To describe something that’s obviously not rhomburiffic,
Like triangles in general, or a particular triangle in specific,
Because there’s simply no way triangles can be rhomburiffic!“Rhomburiffic,” by definition, can only apply to rhombi!
The other day I was at the park and there was this crazy guy,
And I was just sitting there, trying to enjoy the sky,
(And the sky was a cornucopia of cloudy rhombi)
And the guy walked over and he looked at me and he said hi.At first he seemed agreeable. In fact, he seemed terrific,
And he said he did a lot of stuff that was scientific,
Like experimenting with ocean water that was vaporific,
And going on an expedition to the South Pacific.But I soon found out that the guy was totally totally totally sick
Because then he tries to tell me that his dog was rhomburiffic!
I said, “Your dog’s not a rhombus; therefore, he’s not rhomburiffic.”
And he said, “Well maybe Scruffles is just a little bit rhomburiffic.”And I said, “No, Scruffles isn’t even a little bit rhomburiffic!
How many times do I have to define ‘rhomburiffic’?
It means, and I quote, ‘having the qualities of a rhombus!’
Even if the outline of your dog’s body roughly makes a rhombus
When he curls up on the ground, he’s still not rhomburiffic,
Only the outline of his body is possibly rhomburiffic,
But the dog itself is definitely not rhomburiffic,
Because rhombi, and only rhombi, can be rhomburiffic!”But he didn’t want to listen to me because he was crazy
So then I left the whole park because he was so crazy
And I don’t know why everyone has to be so crazy!But, maybe when people misuse words I ought to have more sympathy,
Because maybe that guy in the park was just trying to impress me.
I myself have used big words even though I didn’t know what they meant.
And I wasn’t being deceitful. I was being… phosphorescent.* * *My Time on the StageMy time on the stage was a long time ago.
Drama was a big deal to me back then.
It still kinda sounds nice to be in a show,
But I’m here in my recliner again.Everything around me is different these days.
Life isn’t the same as it used to be.
I’m too sick and sleepy to be in plays
And everywhere I go, there’s a TV.Those TV shows do have talented actors
Who really know how to be entertaining.
Our decline is caused by many factors
I don’t feel like listing or explaining.And maybe we’re not even declining.
Maybe I’m just old. Old and reclining.* * *Lava LipstickWhen I was a kid I ate a lot of tortilla chips
With sour cream, nacho cheese and bean dips
And I loved jalapeño pepper chunks on hot dogs
And salty crackers with big cheese logsAnd tuna-noona, with lots of lemon,
And buttery toast, with sugar and cinnamon.
And I ate corn on the cob and tomatoes
And another thing I ate was potatoes.Mostly it was the big brown dusty ones.
I ate them with butter and salt and onions.
I ate all that food and called it a feast
And I played a video game called Altered Beasts.In that game you were a big strong guy
And you beat people up. I don’t remember why.
It was just punching people and kicking people
And squeezing people and body-slamming people.You just beat people up and walked around
And sometimes there was meat on the ground,
Solitary turkey legs that kinda glowed,
Just laying there in the middle of the road,And if you ate them it increased your heart power,
Like how in Super Mario, when you eat a flower,
A red glowing flower that grows from a brick,
Eating that flower is like applying lava lipstick.That’s when Mario breathes out bouncing balls of fire
And sings along with a flaming invisible choir,
A choir whose music puts all the bad guys to death.
It confronts the koopas and removes their breath.I wanted my heart power to keep on improving
And the purpose of Altered Beasts is to keep on moving
So I remember grabbing that turkey leg and eating it.
And there was another video game called Ninja Spirit.And in that one you were a guy who did karate
With black clothes covering your entire body
And beating people up all over the screen
So that’s how I spent a lot of my life as a teen.I wish I had some of that lava lipstick right now.
People would look at me and say “Wow!”
Instead of doing what they normally do,
Which is merely chitchat for a minute or twoAnd I don’t mind a little friendly chitchat,
In fact I like chitchatting and nice stuff like that,
But lava lipstick would be so much more exciting
And so would eating a glowing turkey leg and then fighting.And hey I just wanna say thanks for listening
Even though my lips aren’t lava-like or glistening,
Because for some crazy reason I believe
My memories and opinions are important.* * *My Brother's a Liar!We used to play Super Mario Brothers,
me and Morris, my older brother,
we used to play Super Mario Brothers
on the Super Nintendo.We had Super Mario All-Stars
which was like five games in one:
Super Mario Brothers, the original,
Super Mario Brothers Two,
Super Mario Brothers Three,
and it had The Lost Levels on there...
yeah... it was like, five games in one.Yeah I know that Mario 1, 2, 3 and The Lost Levels
is four games, not five.
But I never said that Super Mario All-Stars
had exactly five games on it.
I said it had “like five” games on it.Four is kind of like five.
It’s pretty close, anyway.Anyway, so one day when we were
playing Super Mario Brothers-
which by the way isn’t that game
supposed to encourage brotherhood?
And by “brotherhood”
I don’t mean Cain and Abel brotherhood.
I’m talking about real brotherhood.
I’m talking about Mario and Luigi brotherhood.
Their hearts overflow with brotherly love
like a cup of water overflows with water
if you pour too much water in it.Yeah I know that’s a stupid simile
but sometimes I think
you’re a stupid person.Anyway one day when we were
playing Super Mario Brothers
Morris told me that I could run out of fireballs.You know when Mario eats a glowing flower
and then he can shoot out fireballs?
And they bounce around
and kill those flying duck-turtle things?
You know what I’m talking about?When you eat the glowing flower
a little number shows up on the screen
right next to the flower for a second.
It says “1000” and it gives you a thousand points.Well Morris said it doesn’t only
give you a thousand points,
it also gives you a thousand fireballs,
so if you spit out enough fireballs
you run out of fireballs.I probably spent seven hours
trying to run out of fireballs
and then Morris finally says,
“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you,
you can only run out of fireballs
if you play Super Mario Brothers
on the original Nintendo,
not the Super Nintendo.”Of course we didn’t have an original Nintendo,
only a Super Nintendo,
so how was I supposed to know
if he was telling the truth?One day, much later in life,
I went online.
I went to a Mario-themed chat room,
and that’s where I learned from MarioLover777
that neither Mario nor Luigi
could ever run out of fireballs.
I found out for certain that their capacity
for fireball creation and expulsion
on every Mario game,
on every gaming platform,
was, indeed, infinite.* * *Ok, that's all the poems you get for free. If you want to read more, you gotta buy my books.And here's a picture of me:

And here's a picture of my first poetry book:

And here's a picture of my second poetry book:

And here's a picture of my books on the shelf at Cult Fiction Bookshop in Apache Junction, Arizona:

Speaking of Cult Fiction Bookshop, I did a poetry reading there. This is a flyer promoting the event:

And this is a screenshot of something the bookstore owners put on their Facebook page:

Some of my poems were featured on a podcast called Written Works For You, By You. Here's a nice email I got from the lady who runs the podcast as well as a screenshot taken from Spotify:

My books are self-published, but once I got traditionally published in a scholarly journal. "Coolidge" appeared in the Spring 2017 issue of Southwestern American Literature.

In addition to poetry, I've done a lot of other creative writing. In 2010, my 10-minute play Strangers was published in Thin Air magazine. That play won first place in the Northern Arizona Playwriting Institute's second annual 10-minute play contest. (I think I must have used this book as a coaster. That's why it has that ugly circular damage on the cover.)

And as long as I'm bragging about myself, I'll tell you that I did a lot of acting back when I was younger and healthier. In 2008, I was in a play called Rhinoceros by Eugene Ionesco at Northern Arizona University and I won this award:

And a long time ago I got this really expensive piece of paper:

But really I think this piece of paper is even more important:

And here's a picture of me, flaunting my religion:

Speaking of my religion, there are some Catholics I know who put on this big thing once a year. It's called the St. Philip Neri Festival. In 2026, I was in it. I read my poems into a microphone and signed my books and stuff like that. Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures that day, and I couldn't find my name connected with that event online anywhere, so I can't prove that I was actually there. I guess I could get some sworn affidavits from witnesses, but that would kind of be insane, not that I'm opposed to doing insane things from time to time. Anyway, can you please just trust me? I performed at the festival advertised in the following graphic:

Speaking of not having evidence of stuff, I don't have any photos or videos of a lot of the poetry-related stuff I've done in my life. Though I can't prove it, I've read my poems at school settings, church settings, in variety shows and talent shows and open mics, and one time I got second place at a poetry slam. That was a long time ago. But I do have a scrap of evidence that proves that I've read my poetry in front of people and that people like me and stuff. This got put on Instagram a while back:

If you've gotten this far, I just want to say thanks for reading. I hope you don't regret the time you've spent looking at this website. I'll conclude with a Bible verse.By the way, I don't mean to alienate any non-Christians who might be reading this website. I admit that some of my poetry is preachy, and I admit that I'm outspoken about my faith in Jesus; but, I've written a lot of different poems about a lot of stuff. Some of my poems might appeal to atheists. I don't know. All I can do is put my poems and myself out there and people can respond however they want to respond. Anyway, here's the Bible verse that I've really been drawn to lately:“For this commandment that I command you today is not too hard for you, neither is it far off. It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will ascend to heaven for us, and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will go over the sea for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it.” (Deuteronomy 30:11-14, ESV-CE)